The Electrified Knot
I've been toying with the idea of writing a personal blog. After reconciling that this would be for me simply because I want to write it, the pragmatic voice of "Who would want to read it?" disappeared. So here we go!
The past few years have absolutely taken my breath away-- there has been painful drama, mostly internal, that has motivated me to take yet another (my fourth in as many decades) major look inward-- Who am I? What do I want? What do I stand for? What do I do? This particular crisis needs a name, since the previous three crises all seem to have innate descriptions that make at least a little sense:
#1 "Teen Years"
#2 "Single as a Grown-Up"
#3 "Terminal Degree and Terminal Marriage"
...and here we are now at phase #4, and there's not really an event attached to this one. Maybe it's "Child Rearing" or "Staying Married," but this defines the issue of selfhood through the lens of relationship. In the interest of individuality, I've instead picked---
#4 "The Electrified Knot"
The beauty of this whole thing is despite it's chaotic and random appearance, it's ultimately one unit. And I think this is me.
The three most overwhelming components of my life seem to be completely interconnected in a big, long ball of wire: spirituality, music, and intimacy. When an electric current feeds any one of these three areas, they are all instantly lit up, and frankly, barely contained. I've learned not to even bother trying to manage any of them in isolation--they go on and off together or not at all.
Consider the alternative. I wonder what it feels like. Maybe this is you. This is not me.
I once heard Mark Gungor, a humorous motivational speaker, speak about the differences between connected "women's brains" and compartmentalized "men's brains." I suspect this particular way of being isn't a "women's issue," though. At least I hope not, lest it be easily dismissed as such. I think it's possible to be more understood.
I wonder if this interconnectedness might be a strange and deep manifestation of synesthesia or ideaesthesia. Ultimately, it doesn't much matter what it's called; this is how it is. I experience it simultaneously as a meaningful understanding of each of these three areas and also as holistically, fully, thoroughly intense and profound.
I live by an alternative compartmentalization. Instead of grouping everything into boxes simply labelled spirituality, music, and intimacy, my areas of focus are labeled faith, vocation, and marriage. I seem to have bought myself some space to manage these massive Things through intentional use of life infrastructure--people navigate these areas of life anyway, so perhaps the way I navigate mine can be helpful to me and to my electrified knot. But wow, they all touch each other all the time, and wow, do I feel it like a bolt of electricity. It's like trying to hold on to a ball of lightning.
So here we are. It's life phase #4. Everything touches; everything is connected--an event, emotion, thought, or experience lights up everything. EVERYTHING. And mostly, mostly,.... mostly it's contained.